Ragged Riches

Recently, my friend Joey* had fallen victim to a catfish on Tinder. She was talking to him for days, then booked a date, then she asked him for some money. The idea was that they would pool money for a bougie hotel date. He agreed. I mean, he heard her voice. She sounded sincere.

That date never came and he never heard from her again.

He had funneled about $200 into his “date’s” CashApp, right before “she” ghosted him. All he had left was a name from the CashApp account and a feeling of being duped in the worst way possible. Joey was a broken man. He was struggling in his dating life and he just wanted to be happy.

Then this happened. What he didn’t tell his fake date was that the money he sent her would have normally been used for necessities. He just was so desperate to impress a girl, he would have gone hungry just for a night out on the town. And now? He didn’t even get that.

As a person who presents female, I’m always stunned at how many of my male friends have fallen for catfish scams.

I know of at least four guys who have sent money to women who may or may not have existed. Many of the guys who fell for it were not stupid, per se. They were trusting. They were naive. And to a point, they were desperate.

Catfishes are people who are ready to exploit people who are in desperate need of affection and validation for financial gain. And I’ll be darned, they do it very well. This is my guide on how to avoid catfishing.

Let’s lay out some very basic ground rules…

#1: Do not send money to anyone you have not met in person.

You can’t trust your eyes and ears when it comes to dating apps or online meetups anymore. I repeat: you cannot trust your eyes and ears. AI and tech make for some very convincing lies. If you have not met the person IRL, you cannot trust that they are real.

Catfishes now regularly use voice changing apps and video calls to connect with their victims. They use AI to make videos so that their video chats look legit. If they cannot afford to get to the dating venue you chose, guess what: they shouldn’t date!

If they ask you for money upfront, they are most likely a catfish. If they actually show up and ask for money, they are probably either a sugar baby or a prostitute. (And somehow I think that’s a better outcome than just being catfished!)

#2: If a person says they need YOU to bail them out of a bad situation before you can meet, that’s a catfish.

A lot of modern catfish scams that involve dating someone from abroad has this basic theme:

1. You found this person totally enamored with you. Oh! And they are hot too! And they are often younger! This scam often will involve either working as a model (for women) or as an Armed Forces member.
2. You guys chat for a long time. This is a scam that often involves getting the victim buttered up. They may even try to get you to believe they will marry you.
3. They’re about to meet you, but they get kidnapped or held up. The kidnappers/government agents/whatever will let them go if they get a certain amount of money. Oh won’t you please help this person!?
4. They keep asking for more money, and delays keep happening. These individuals never actually will meet you. They just want your cash and will continue to string you along for as long as they get cash.
5. If you do meet them after this, they may rob you or worse. This is a common front for trafficking and kidnapping organizations. If you want to date abroad, meet in a public area, do not trust them to be safe until they prove to be safe.

A family friend of mine actually fell for this scam. She’s older and very naive. She almost lost her life because she went to a foreign country to find him. It was only because she hid her phone and called someone that she was let go.

#3: Do not send nudes or videos to people you never met.

Another common catfish scam involves getting the victim (often men) to send nude photos. Then, the catfish will look up the person’s social media, threaten to send the photos to family or employers, and extort you for cash.

If you are pursuing a “sugar” relationship, don’t send nudes to potential sugar daddies/sugar mamas. In this type of dating realm, a lot of photo collectors pose as potential sugar daddies just so they can get X-rated photos of women who never would give them the time of day. Some also may try to extort potential sugar babies this way too, though that’s rarer.

Of course, if you already have been a model who had their parts shown on the net, this won’t really work very well for the extortionist.

A friend of mine had a shakedown like this. The catfish called her on the phone and threatened to show the world the pictures. They thought they really struck gold because she said she was a nanny on her profile. In reality, she was an adult film star. The catfish angrily hung up on her and that was that.

#4: Run the photos of your potential date through a catfish checker before you engage.

Did you know there are several face identification services online? I was actually given this tip from a fan of mine via Substack. If you aren’t sure that the person is legit, run their photos through ProFaceFinder to see if they are who they say they are.

It’s also good to check out an AI image detector. As ThisPersonDoesNotExist.com proved, a lot of AI photos can be very, very realistic. Do not fall for it

Now that we’ve gone over the basic rules, let’s talk about other ways to avoid getting scammed by a catfish…

Those four basic rules are some of the most obvious ones out there, and they will reduce your chances of being a catfishing victim immensely. But, they are not the be-all and end all of catfishing. Let’s get into the nitty-gritty…

Yes, you need to push for that meetup and break it off if they dawdle.

People don’t realize how long catfishes will court people in hopes of getting money. In the case of my family friend who ended up traveling to Egypt, she was in a “relationship” with someone for almost a year!

Dating apps are there for dating, period. If they never seem keen on meeting up, something is wrong. They may be a catfish or they may be hiding an affair. A person who wants to meet up with you can and will make time to see you.

A good rule of thumb is to ensure that you meet within three weeks of meeting. If they always bail at the last minute, they’re likely a catfish, uninterested, or just awful at being a decent date. Either way, that’s your sign to make an exit.

Trust, but verify.

I’ve always heard Russians saying this, and it’s such a good choice. When you search up their photos, check to see if the name matches up with their social media profiles. If it doesn’t, don’t meet up with them. It’s never a good sign.

This also goes for in-person meetings. A lot of married people will use an alias when they court affair partners. I often will go to a bar, club, or smoke shop to meet up with people on a first date because it gives me an excuse to ask to see their ID’s for that reason.

Use common sense and trust your gut.

This should go without saying, but this is still worth repeating: IF SOMETHING FEELS WRONG, IT VERY LIKELY IS WRONG. Trust your gut and ask yourself if your potential date’s behavior seems normal to you.

For example, if you’re a guy and a girl sends you random, unsolicited pictures, she likely is trying to catfish you for an OnlyFans account. Normal girls don’t act that way, especially with men they just met.

If your friends also say something feels amiss, listen to them. Friends can often see things we don’t, especially in matters of dating. Love (and desperation) can make us blind to glaring issues in relationships.

If the person you’re chatting up keeps redirecting the chat to money, there’s your answer. They are in love with your cash, not you.

If you feel like an online dater is too good to be true, it probably is.

I don’t want to sound cruel, but there is such a thing as “leagues” in dating. Most people tend to date and marry people who are about as attractive as they are. When it comes to online dating, looks tend to be everything. It’s a shallow dating pool!

So, you have to be realistic about what to expect. This is doubly true in the looks department, especially if you are a guy who was recently dumped. Catfishes look for people who are desperate and/or delusional. They’re easy marks.

Many catfishes will go out of their way to look unusually good as a way to root out the people who are gullible enough to fall for their scam. The wilder the difference in appearance leagues, the more likely it is that you’re being catfished.

This is because engaging with dates who are clearly out of your league is seen as a sign of gullibility among scammers. It shows you’re already taking that leap of faith they want you to take. A trusting person is an easily robbed person,

For example, if you’re over the age of 60, losing teeth, and morbidly obese, the 20-year-old bartender probably isn’t actually into you. In fact, that bartender very likely isn’t real. If you’re a 55-year-old woman from Iowa, the handsome Hollywood actor probably isn’t really courting you.

Watch how they ask to chat with you off the app.

The off-app communication preferences your potential date has can tell you quite a bit about their legitimacy. Online catfishing rings tend to use chat methods that are international or hard to trace, such as Whatsapp, Signal, or Snapchat.

While legit people can use these communication methods, it should make you raise an eyebrow. Why aren’t they giving you a number? If you are getting a number from them, check to see if it’s a Google Voice number or a spoof phone.

They will not use Facebook or Instagram because setting up a whole fake profile with a believable history takes a lot of time. They also will not use their real phone numbers because it’s incredibly easy to trace.

Recognize if you are desperate and know when to step back.

Look, this is also going to come off as harsh, but it’s the truth. If you are going through a rough time, you may want to avoid dating for a while. Yes, you want the intimacy. Yes, you want the connection. But no, you do not want to deal with running into a catfish scam online.

Catfishing scammers tend to prey on people who are in a bad headspace. The more desperate you are, the more likely they are to exploit you. That desperation makes otherwise savvy people do very stupid things, including sending money to a stranger on the net.

A lot of the people who are catfishing victims know they’re being victimized deep down inside, though they won’t ever admit it. Dating scams are particularly cruel because they prey upon people who, at times, desperately need to believe that the scam is real.

Some catfish scam victims are so desperate for that beautiful lie to be true, they pay the scammer out of desperation to just keep them around. When they’re faced with the eventually unavoidable reality, these victims usually end up with severe, life-altering trauma.

Ask yourself if you would warn a friend in your shoes to take a break from dating. If you would, that’s a sign that you might be a lot more vulnerable to scams than you think. You may want to follow your own advice in that case.

And that’s my tutorial on how to avoid a catfishing date scam.

Avoiding catfish dating scams is not something I wanted to write about today, but hey, such is life. I don’t like seeing my friends fall victim to these scams and online dating scams are on the rise.

In the meantime, I want to hear your stories. Have you ever been catfished? Tell me in the comments below.